Sense of Self
(originally published on Medium)
I wear dresses with tennis shoes. I do what I want when I want. I don't have anything to prove, but sometimes I try to prove too much. I prefer men to women. They’re both intimidated by me. Things don't surprise me when I have no expectations. I rarely have no expectations. I ask questions people can’t answer. I hear what’s not being said. I don't want to be a provider or provided for, but a contributor. Sometimes I admit things I’m not supposed to, other times I refuse to admit anything at all. I feel love frequently, but fall in love rarely. I don’t get close to people I know will let me down. Once I decide I’m done, I’m done forever. I live in absolutes. I’m always and never alone. I contradict myself. I value my freedom. I want more than I have. I know what I believe in and why. Sometimes my opinions only make sense to me and I’m fine with that. I don’t know where my confidence comes from, but it’s always been there. I’m seduced by intelligence. I’ll only be successful in a relationship with someone who’s my equal. I’m not afraid to be a woman alone. My words are my most prized possession. I say what people are thinking, but don’t say. I don’t want to talk about doing something, I just want to do it. There’s a reason for everything I do. I’m not afraid to say no. I understand my value. I know how to set boundaries. I hope I never have to write an apology for not reaching my potential. At this rate, I’m going to have to. When I care, I really care. But it’s always less painful if I don’t. There’s beauty in not knowing what’s next, but I prefer to know. It’s always about either fear or love. I think I know more than I do, but the only thing I actually know is myself.