Return to Sender

You. I’m writing to you. I’m hoping this will reach you somehow. I had to call a lot of people to get your information. The person on the phone gave me this address, it’s to some sort of agency. He promised me it would get to you. And I have no choice but to trust him. So I hope this reaches you. It will, I’m sure it will. But I’m a little worried because he said it was for fan mail. And I am not really a fan, I’m more like a friend. Anyway, hi. It’s me, Suzie. Suzie Jo Johnson. We met when you were in Utah, remember? You knocked on my door and asked to use my bathroom. You were real polite and everything. You said the one in your trailer was broken. You seemed kind of angry about it. Because you were upset, I made you a glass of lemonade. We stood together in the kitchen. You said you were filming a movie just down the road. It was really humid that day. I could tell you were hot, there was a big sweat stain on the front of your shirt. And you kept on wiping your forehead with your shirt. You weren’t embarrassed about how much you were sweating though. And you shouldn’t have been, there’s something so sexy about sweat if you ask met. But I’m probably one of the only people who think that. Then you invited me to come watch you work. And so I did. I was there every day the whole week you guys were filming. I sure enjoyed it, just being there watching. I hope I didn’t get in the way at all. There sure was a lot of standing around. But that’s okay, it was the most exciting thing to happen around here in a long time. I always wondered why you chose Oak Creek though as your location. It’s not the nicest place in the world. Anyway, I was writing to thank you for being so nice. Introducing me to people on the set. And letting me eat lunch with you guys. I know I was a burden by asking all those questions, but I couldn’t help it. I was curious. Oh and also, thank you for the chair. That was really nice of you, I have it in my living room. Even though Phil hates it, I won’t let him touch it. Sometimes I sit in it and read, but, to be honest it’s not very comfortable. I like to look at it though, just knowing it’s there makes me feel better about things. I think because it reminds me of you. I especially like that it has your name on it. What is it called again, a director’s chair? But you aren’t a director. You’re an actor, right?

 

There’s one other thing I’m wondering about. Something I need to know, do you think about me ever? Because I think about you all the time. And sometimes when I’m bored, I pretend like you’re my husband. We’d be happy together. I know we would. You’re nice to me. You tell me I’m the most beautiful woman you’ve ever met. And I believe you. Sometimes you bring me flowers for no reason. And we live in a real house in a big city. I like the city. I lived in the county all my life and it gets boring. It really does. I hate that nothing ever changes. Anyway, we have lots of friends who we go out to dinner with and get drunk off wine. It’s usually bad wine, but it’s so much fun. Wouldn’t that be fun? But I hate that Phil won’t let me work. Phil is my husband. He’s always out driving that damn bus. He is either behind the wheel or at the bar. So I’m usually left home alone by myself. Which sucks because it’s not like I watch television. I hate television. I really do, especially those talk shows that are on all day. Those people were so stupid. Going on television talking about their problems, making them worse. It’s not very nice of those hosts to set them up like that. Making them cry and stuff. But I guess they asked for it you know. They put themselves in the situation. Usually I sneak away to the library. You know if I could be anything, I’d be a flight attendant. I think that’s the neatest job. I really do. If I were a flight attendant, I’d get to travel all over and to see lots of cities. I’d be so worldly and all my friends would be jealous. But this is all just a dream. I like to do that, dream. Sometimes though, my dreams are just so much more real. I think they’re my reality. Does that ever happen to you? But see my fantasies don’t usually last that long because then the cat will walk in the room. He’ll start rubbing up against me and remind me I’m dreaming. In my dreams, I’d never have a cat. I hate cats. I wanted to have ours put to sleep but Phil won’t let me. I wish it would just get run over by a car. I guess that happens to dogs more often though. I’m the only one who takes care of the stupid cat. Surprise. It’s not even a nice cat. But then I don’t suppose any cats are nice.

 

One last thing, I’d like want to know, could something have happened? That day you came over to give me the chair. I know that’s not the kind of question that has an answer because things just happen. But still, I need to ask it. I just want to know if what I felt was real. I’ve never felt like that before or after you left that day. I was so nervous the whole time you were here. Did you notice? I felt like a silly schoolgirl. I wanted to hit on you, but that’s not a proper thing for a girl like me to do. I mean I am married. But I still thought about it. I really did. I kept on thinking about what I should say. What I really wanted to say. But didn’t. I just couldn’t. I’m not very good at stuff like that. I would have done anything for you to kiss me. Just a kiss. But you left. And my stomach hurt the whole next day. I didn’t eat. I kept on wishing I hadn’t let you leave. I should’ve acted on my instincts. And now I regret that I didn’t. I was just so nervous. You were my one chance. And well, I guess I just wanted to know, do I still have a chance? Please write me back and let me know as soon as you get this. I’ll be here.

 

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I sent you that first letter a few weeks ago. And I haven’t heard back. I don’t know what I’m supposed to think. Maybe you didn’t get it. But I know one day you’ll write me back, so I’m just going to keep writing. But I wanted to tell you, yesterday, my little girl was raped. Maya, she is only twelve. They don’t know who did it. The guy was wearing a mask. Maya could only see his eyes. They think it was a drifter. Someone just passing by. I don’t know what to do, I really don’t. She sits on her bed and just stares at the wall. She doesn’t even cry. Phil won’t talk to her. He hasn’t said a word to her since it happened. They made her go to the hospital and have all these tests done. I hope she’s going to be okay. I just don’t know though. I don’t know.

 

I have two boys too, did I tell you that? They’re a little worried about their sister, but they don’t understand. Billy is playing baseball all the time. He’s on this team that travels all over. Phil is really proud of him. I suspect if he keeps on practicing religiously he’ll turn out to be real good. My other son, Andy, is obsessed with racecar driving. He knows all the NASCAR drivers and how many wins they have. He likes Bobby Labonte the best. He got it from his father. When there’s a race on, the two of them can’t be bothered. I can’t stand to be around them when they’re like that. Mostly because Phil will order me to bring him things from the kitchen. A beer, a sandwich. Like I’m his servant. Damn it Suzie, where’s my food, he’s always asking. I hate it when he gets drunk at home. I try and stay in my room. And to keep the kids busy. Sometimes it doesn’t work. I wish I could check out some books from the library and bring them home to read. But the one time I did that Phil made fun of me when he caught me reading and tore up all the books. I had to pay the library lots of money because of that. I love the library. The basement is so quiet. I feel so safe there. I’m trying to educate myself more. It is all part of the plan. To better myself mentally, physically, and emotionally. I’m teaching myself about things, because there’s a lot I don’t know. Phil is home I have to go. But write me back, okay? If you get this.

 

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You didn’t write me back again. That’s okay. Really it is. I guess you’re busy. I saw you on television today. You looked more handsome than I remembered. Your hair was lighter. I think that was it. You were talking about that movie you filmed here. I guess it’s coming out in the theaters soon. I didn’t know you were famous. Why didn’t you tell me? I’ll bet you have a big house out there in Hollywood. All actors have big houses right? And I’ll bet you drive a fancy car too. Can I go for a ride some day? The nicest car I’ve been in is a Ford Mustang. A convertible with white leather interior. It was pretty swank. I think it has a V8 engine so it’s pretty fast too. And has great pickup. It’s my sister’s car. She’s always getting speeding tickets. Anyway, my youngest got beat up at school today. The teacher said he stole a pen from another student and wouldn’t give it back. And then when they went out for recess the kid who he stole from just wailed on him. That’s what she said. Wailed on him. It looked like it too. His eye was black and his jaw was dislocated. His jeans had a hole in the knee. And his shirt was ripped. The kids were all watching and egging them on. The teacher said he must not be getting attention at home because he was looking for some at school. I took him home and didn’t even say thing to him. I just didn’t have the energy. I guess he wanted me to get mad. So he would get attention. But that would mean he was getting what he wanted. And things don’t happen that way. I mean look at me. I wanted a better life than this. I really did. I wanted to go to college. I was going to, but then I got pregnant. I shouldn’t have even told Phil and just gotten an abortion. That’s really what I should have done. I was too scared though. And not strong enough either. But now it’s different. I know what I want. I want to improve myself. I’ve been jogging every day. And I’m getting stronger. My body feels so good. And I’ve been losing weight. You should see me. Phil hasn’t even noticed. But I don’t care. I just wish he wouldn’t want to have sex with me anymore. I hate it. I really do. I lie there and stare at the ceiling. Pretending like I’m somewhere else. With someone else. He never notices. When he’s finished he just rolls off me to his side of the bed and turns on the television. I make life pretty easy for him. He sure doesn’t for me. I had to go to the hospital today. When Phil gets drunk, he comes home looking for a reason to yell at me. And then he’ll hit me. When I just stare at him and don’t say anything hoping he’ll go away. He’ll hit me for not answering him. I’ve tried everything to get him not to hit me. And no matter what he will. I never do anything wrong, but I guess in his eyes I do. But last night it was pretty bad. I can’t look at myself in the mirror. I drove myself to the hospital. My jaw is fractured. He was all sweet and nice this morning, very apologetic. But I don’t buy it. He’s never really sorry. I’ve learned that. I can tell when he doesn’t mean what he says, which is more often than not. The reason why we got in a fight was because when he came home at 10pm, he demanded to know where his dinner was. I told him it was in the fridge, but he wanted it on the table ready for him. Even though he was four hours late. When I told him to heat up the leftovers himself, he got mad. I know I shouldn’t have done that. I knew it was going to get him. Sometimes I just ask for it, I really do. And I don’t know why. I think because I’m so bored most of the time. It adds variety to my life. God that sounds horrible. I need help.

 

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Hello, hello. Are you there? Something terrible has happened. Maya my beautiful daughter tried to commit suicide. I thought she was doing okay with the rape and all. But she’s not. Phil had a razor blade lying around. Oh god, I can’t talk about it. But see the worst part is when she came home from the hospital, Phil hit her. He has never laid a hand on her before. And I can’t have him start now. Please no. That’s why I’m leaving. Taking her away from here. Taking both of us. I keep telling her you will take care of us. You will won’t you. I know you will. Phil will take care of the boys. They need each other. They really don’t need me. They’re going to grow up to be like him anyway, so what does it matter? Phil will be mad I’m taking the car. But I know he has money saved up. It’s my car anyway, I bought it before we were married, so I can take it, right? I left him all his favorite meals in the freezer, in containers that will last him and the boys for the next two months. There’s tuna casserole, macaroni and cheese, and spaghetti. That will make him happy. I shouldn’t feel so bad right?  I have to do what’s right for my daughter. You’ll help us, please say you will. I won’t ask for much. I swear I won’t, just say you’ll help me.